Humor: August 2017

By on August 8, 2017

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”

Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

 

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”

The man says, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend.”

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”

The man says, “I found out that my son is gay.”

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

The man looks up and says, “Apprently my wife does.”

 

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, “You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.”

This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.

Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast.
“You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras.”

That was too far over the limit.
She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, “You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother.”

 

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said.
“Where’d you go?”

“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

 

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that truck?!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. I don”t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “John, you go right up there and see what”s going on.”
So the boy”s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. “I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn”t intend to come back.”
“He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did.”

 

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.

“Why, that’s the talking clock” the man replied.

“How does it work?”

“Watch”, the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “For fuck sake, you asshole, it’s 2AM in the fucking morning!!”


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