HUMOR: July 2017

By on July 8, 2017

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen, “I want that tv.” The salesperson shook his head and said, “No, we don’t sell to blondes.”

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said, “I’ll take that tv.” Again the salesman said, “No, we don’t sell to blondes.”

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said, “I want that tv.” But the salesman still said, “No, we don’t sell to blondes.”

Finally the blonde got fed up and said, “That’s it! How’d you know I was a blonde?!” she asked.

The salesman answered, “Cause that’s a microwave.”

Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as he moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

An instructor asked his class one day, “Anyone know the chemical formula for water?”

“Sure. That’s easy,” said one man.

“What is it?”

“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”

“What?! what?” reasked the instructor.

“You know, H to O.” came the reply.

Little Johnny’s Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms,” said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.

“Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” he asked.

Little Billy raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No Sir, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Q: What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?
A: One prick and they’re done.

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”
“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
“My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.
“Excellent, Michael!”
Then, the teacher called on little Joe.
“Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!’”


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