HUMOR – May 2017

By on May 8, 2017

A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her. Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, “I have no idea where they came from I don’t do the laundry!” So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, “Madam, how should I know? These panties don’t belong to me. I don’t even wear panties, just ask your husband!”
2 Girls Meet…
“Me & my husband are no longer together…”
“Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?”
“No, of course I couldn’t!”
“Well… he couldn’t either.”

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
A: Beat it. We’re closed.
Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm.
He announces out loud, “This is the pig I’ve been screwing.”

The wife unimpressed said “You drunk ass hole… That’s a duck”.

The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says… “I was talking to the duck!”
“2 + 2, the son of a bitch is 4; 4 + 4, the son of a bitch is 8; 8 +8, the son of…” said Johhny.
“Johnny,” shouted his mother, “Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use swearwords.”
But, Mom, replied the boy, “That’s what the teacher taught us, she said to recite it out loud til we learn it.”
Next day Johnny’s mother went to complain.
“Oh, heavens,” said the teacher. “They’re supposed to say, ‘2 + 2, the sum of which is 4.”
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to The Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.

It said:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

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