Humor: March 2017

By on March 8, 2017

A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”

The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming,

“I WON I WON I WON!”

She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, pulls on her shirt and walks out.

The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?” The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”

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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!” Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally, the guy interrupts.

“Go home, dad, you’re drunk.”

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

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A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, “I need to borrow two hundred dollars.”
At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.” The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”
“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father.
The operator cuts in, “Sorry to cut in, but I can hear him perfectly.”
The father says, “Oh, good. YOU send him the money!”

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A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says. “For what?” The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.” The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.” The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda. Look it up.” She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary, and it reads, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

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A daughter doing an adult crossword puzzle asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied with a sly grin, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was just on the tip of my tongue.”

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

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A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.

The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”

By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny bartender is gently sucking on them. She says, “You sure he isn’t here?”

The bartender mumbles through her fingers, “Yes, he’s out for another 2 hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can do to help?”

The woman then says, “Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilets!”


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